The "I FINALLY (Maybe) Figured It Out" Post

*EDIT - To my more conservative readers, sorry about the small tidbits of swearing. I'm usually not a swearer but I feel very passionate about what is below. I just kind of let the emotion flow. Anyway, read with caution if you feel so inclined.

The holidays are officially upon us. And in despite of all the holiday cheer and happiness, I just have to say that the past four months have been absolute hell. Between school, work, ROTC and back again, I feel like I have been trampled, kicked, and thrown out the tail end of a semi's exhaust pipe.

I don't say this to try to gain pity. I am the kind of person that believes that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and by that logic, I will probably be Miss "I-Control-the-ENTIRE-Freakin'-Galaxy" by the time this semester is over.

I say this because this past weekend got me thinking. I won't bore you with the entire story, but it basically began with me having a nervous breakdown about heaven's knows what for the umptillionth time this semester in the drive thru of a burger joint, and ended with T and I making "marital intimacy" jokes at our kitchen table as we ate fries from said burger joint.

T always has a way to bring me up from very deep depths of self-pity and self-doubt. It usually involves him telling me that there is no reason for me to be crying and to stop being stupid. If it were anyone else, I would probably slap them and tell them to stop being so freakin' insensitive. But with him, it's somehow different. He knows me deeper than anyone else, and so his bluntness is overshadowed by his concern. He is so darn perfect for me!

Anyway. Moving on. Enough of my love life.

Really what this post is about is neither my love life (sorry, I know you were all waiting for Twilight the Sequel...*blech* -- gag me) or my sucky academics which have plagued me for the past four months and subsequently caused me to be a sucky blogger. Rather, it is about the sudden realization I had today: that I have not been myself.

I was once called "Sunshine" from a great teacher I once had, who said that I was always the sunshine to come into a room and the one that made everyone happier. But I have definitely not felt that way recently. Life has been very cloudy lately and the rays have been limited.

The realization I had was that I need to stop being so damn pessimistic! I am the optimist here! So let's get back down to business.

Again, in despite of it being the holidays and everyone saying things that they are grateful for, I've decided that I need to talk about what I am grateful for and the positive things in my life because I feel like I need to let in some of those good "rays." You can read ahead or not -- just be forewarned that it might still be a bit pessimistic. I'm working on it.

(1) I am grateful for a husband that is passionate about everything he does. I think that having your heart buried deep into something is far more rewarding than doing something because everyone else expects it.

(2) I am grateful for stores that start with W and end with T that are open 24/7, which subsequently allows me to go buy Reese's ice cream at all hours of the night when I'm craving it. Being pregnant is going to be terribly hard on T if it's this bad already.

(3) I am also grateful to said store that allows me to buy a Christmas tree for a reasonable price so that I can feel like my house is a home, even though I know that this wonderful mobile home is just temporary.

(4) I am grateful for nieces and nephews that know my name and run to hug me even though we only see them about once every two months. Their births have made me feel more connected to my family after I basically ran away follwoing my senior year of high school. Those kids have taught me to come back to the people who will never leave me because we are connected by blood (and sometimes just marriage).

(5) I am grateful for friends that cry profusely when I come to see them in a show, even though we only see each other a few times a year. These friends are the ones that remind why I have friends at all: because they will always be thinking about me and will stick with me, despite my nasty habit of falling into darker days.

(6) I am grateful for attempted and failed homemade dinners. You might be thinking, "Oh, well, she's going to say that it shows her that she's only human." No. Oh no. If you know me at all, you know that I am good at cooking three things: macaroni and cheese from a box, grilled cheese, and Hamburger helper. I am NOT the chef in our family -- T is. Instead, I am grateful for these failed dinners because it shows me that even those that succeed at things as well as he does, sometimes have to fail to get it right the second time. Plus, I'm a little bitter than I can't cook so it makes me feel better when we're eating Carl's Jr. instead of our attempted dinner. Bwa ha ha.

(7) Lastly, I am grateful for the men in my life that continuely tell me that I'm stupid (T and Dad) when I'm trying pointlessly to be perfect, to be too nice, and to get too much done at one time. Someone's got to knock some sense into this drama queen and they've gladly taken that responsibility.

So that's the end. Congrats! You made it! Sorry you had to read through all the senselessness and drama. If you have any thoughts about what I've said, maybe some darker times in your life and what motivated you to get back to the positive side, scribble me.

love, red.